I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years old. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.
Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. My abnormal usage of alcohol was not only "genetic susceptibility" or my lack of self-control.....my use of alcohol to relief and sustain me develop as a result of many problems in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.
I woke up one day, unclad sharing a bed with some guy in a frat house in Montreal..... I remember and it is indeed a miracle I didn't get severely wounded, hospitalised or in a detention cell for arrested drunks or pregnant.
Life advanced on - I turned into an enlisted nurture, acquired an experts degree and dated a pleasant individual. We drank wine on ends of the week when we were as one and at times amid the week I would buy a jug for myself.
Fast forward...marriage, .two pregnancies, both amid which I totally avoided, and did not miss it. Life progressed, I found myself getting older day by day, the nice guy turned into workaholic husband with anger issues, one of my child turned out got ADHD, I was really stressed out at that time'. I would drank almost everyday, usually on Thursday-Sunday.
We got too much cases of wine on our home because my husband got hooked on a local "brew-your-own"'. Often we drank a bottle or two wine at evening, it was our nightly ritual'. I secretly mixed my own cocktails and hide the glass in my baking cupboard so my husband won't find it
When I got home - I can only think about enjoying that drink'. Trying to mix it, keep refiling it until I fall asleep or pass out until morning, honestly I can't focus on handling household mess, I tried so hard to get my ADHD boy focus on homework, prying the other one off of his iPod. In the mornings, first thing I carry out is examine my I-phone to observe whom I may have unknowingly texted while drunk.
Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. Luckily although I was in a very intense emotional affair with him, it never got physical, maybe a few hugs or being close with him occasionally at sport events, maybe you know the feels because I felt it was romantic, very intense and impacted my life drastically, but still luckily it never got physical I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.
I was elated than I had ever been. The relationship was getting dangerously near intersection the sexual line and he pulled back. I was emotionally wounded and desolate, so my use of alcohol grew.
Alcohol calmed my frayed nerves.
I am so embarrassed as I think back over my life. The drunken episodes:
I got hammered really hard at a cocktail party last Christmas.
Intoxicated at my sister's 50th birthday
I randomly sent rant messages through my iPhone, I can't even control myself at that time.
Screaming fits in the presence of my kids
I threw punches at my husband's face so often
An aggregate yelling battle one night when my child had a companion dozing over
This is my recovery... having my self in counselling, reading Ann's book, discovering this website, find out people with similar stories and read theirs. I have a feeling that I am returning home.